January 6th 2010

Dear Adrien,

you still make the best fennel & parmesan salad i've ever had.


Love,
Michelle

January 5th 2010

Dear Adrien,

As I was sitting in the sauna today, I looked at my reflection in the glass door and i looked so beautiful. My breasts were so full and all my lines were so curved.. My blood was all rushed to the surface of my skin and I was slick with perspiration. This reflection made me miss you. I thought of you seeing me like this.. laying back in my bed with your arms behind your head.. watching me move and slide. Holding my hips.. touching my face.. whispering words.

Everything else has just been like chasing the dragon. that's all i'm trying to say.

Love,

Michelle

January 3rd 2010

Dear Adrien,

New years eve was under a blue moon this year & the last time that happened, I was 13. Age 13 was one of my favorite times in my life. I was in 8th grade, I had just gotten my braces off and I was feeling good. Life was simple.. and I seemed to know it. I remember being home with you at your parents house in Woodhaven one Christmas and we were laying in your bed in the room you grew up in and we fantasized about knowing each other at that age. I remember it clearly. It was so cold outside and we had the window cracked. We were whispering and kissing and holding each other tight. my heart is starting to beat fast as i write this, remembering how your mouth felt on mine in those moments. It was almost like we rewrote my history and I had been kissed for the very first time right there with you... These are the hardest times for me.. remembering this pure feeling of complete love for you is HARD for me. I can barely type right now because i have tears rolling down my face and they are steaming up my glasses..

We really had it Adrien. We had that thing that people dream of... chemicals and feelings and magic. I am not sitting here trying to evade the fact that our relationship was riddled with problems.. but as time goes by I realize that every relationship is. friendships, lovers, family... all of them.. for everyone. And thats how it should be because it forces us to work at them and by working at them, we learn and grow and evolve. I always believed that we had something worth fighting for and so did you. There is a reason for everything.. and I am trying my best to figure out why things went down the way they did. I really believed that we would have that thing.. that 'it' that we had discovered forever. I believed that we could find a way to hold on to each other even in the strongest current in the strongest change of tides. And maybe we have. Maybe that's why I am sitting here writing this to you. i don't know. I only know that you are still here with me & no one has ever replaced you. I pray that this year under a blue moon again will resemble my 13th year.. and by taking these metaphorical braces off, I will understand life in its simplicity again... and I will know me again & you too will know you again.

Love,

Michelle

-----> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLhdld1_6Kc

December 31st 2009

Dear Adrien,

Here it is.. the end of yet another year... without you. I have accepted the fact that all my years may be years without you. But somehow.. you are always here and you are always with me. You are the ghost in my broken heart and I'm starting to think you may never leave. I cannot stop loving you because our love is immortal in me. But i will heal.. and i will grow.. and i will keep it moving....... because i have to. I need to. This year I woke up and realized that i have been dying inside.. I have been asleep.. living dead. I have pacified my pain and anger and feelings.. and fears.. with bottles, and prescriptions, and people, and places.. for 3 YEARS I have been running away from you and from me...and from everything really. but here i am now.. standing still. I will face this without any of those bandages. I will let the air in and i will let you in...and out. I will tell you who I am and what i am and what i feel and what i've learned. I will tell you about the past and the present and hopefully find my keys to the future. for me.. for you.. and for peace. 2010 is going to be a wonderful year for both of us.. i just feel it.

Love,

Michelle